I decided today that all, and yes I mean all, religion is just dumb bullshit.
One reason I have written so little here and elsewhere lately is that I have felt a great loss of interest in many things in my life which I once had passion about. Technology and computer in particular have sort of fallen off the list of things I have any passion about at all. Why that is the case is long and complicated, but I’ll leave it at anger and disillusion and move on from there.
I wonder if I really have anything left to say?
Restraint: self-control, self-restraint, self-discipline, control, moderation, prudence, judiciousness, abstemiousness.
Loathing: hatred, hate, detestation, abhorrence, abomination, execration, odium; antipathy, dislike, hostility, animosity, ill feeling, bad feeling, malice, animus, enmity, aversion; repugnance.
There is a certain liberty in discovering you do not really give a damn about what you are doing. There is a wonderful scene in one of my favorite movies (and it is also a favorite book of mine), Fight Club, when the protagonist is at work and bears his blood filled mouth with a toothy grin to one of his co-workers that sets the tone for where my mind has stretched into when it comes to giving a damn about work.
There are generally two ways to think about work. Way 1: I have a passion for what I am doing for a living and would do it anyway even if I did not get paid. Way 2: I work for a living and get paid and I get in and out as quickly as possible. There really is not much in between.
Recently I was going over in my mind how people get through their day-to-day tasks at jobs without extrapolating, eventually, into “Why am I doing this again?” to the point of realizing they do it to get paid to do it. The other conclusion that you can reach is “I do it because I [want this place to succeed / care about what my employer does / I believe in what they do here / etc. about actually caring about the goals of place of employment].” Again, there isn’t a whole lot in between.
There is an offshoot, though, that seems like an in between but is really Way 2 in denial that Way 2 is what is going on: pretending you care. This gets a lot of people by on a day-to-day basis, too. You can, however, easily spot the people who are far beyond giving a damn but pretending to care. Do you know people that use the word “Happy” in their passwords at work? Those people are not happy at work. That’s why they are using “Happy” in their passwords, to convince themselves that they will be happy at work. That they care about work. Pretenders are an interesting group because many of them believe in a type of magical thinking. They believe that the words you say make the reality you live in, thus if you never say anything negative or sardonic or sarcastic or biting or scathing then everything is great. If you pretend it is so, then it must be so!
I see a lot of these pretenders where I work, as I am sure many people working in big organizations do. I tried this at some point in the past, and frankly, it is a dark path that it leads you down. Ultimately I determined it was better to simply show up to work and do the work and go home and that it is fine not to give a damn about where you work or what they do or what their mission is. As long as they pay you enough you probably have a good job. The dark path, though, is what ultimately leads you to break on through to the other side. The side of unmitigated honesty and frankness. The side of uncomfortable truths spoken aloud. I will say, it isn’t exactly the best side to end up on. You don’t end up a success by being brutally honest about people making bad decisions. You do, however, end up with a lot more self respect and a good stockpile of stories to look back on and laugh about.
2008 was a bit of a whirlwind year to say the least. I traveled to Chicago, Birmingham and Austin during this year. Jenn discovered she was pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl in August after a wide variety of complications that were only discovered at the very last (and I do mean last) minutes of the pregnancy. My work life is less joyful and I quit posting about it almost entirely because you can only say those things about a job only so many times. Contrary to what you might believe, there is no catharsis in constantly going on about something and thinking you’ll eventually “figure it out” in regards to being happy in something you are miserable in. No, you won’t. That doesn’t happen. You just accept necessary evils as what they are and move on.
However, enough about me. Aside from my daughter’s birth 2008 was not a banner year for me in regards to creativity or projects except for the time and effort, and frankly I didn’t specifically follow friends and family specifics but I thought I might list a few things anyway.
•my wife successfully navigated pregnancy and a very, very complicated birth like a trooper
•my daughter survived a tough birth and equally tough post-birth period to turn out to be tough as nails
•many friends survived very tough personal years with grace and humor – many
•the pilot friend successfully kept his pilot’s license via testing with ease
•software engineering friend came out of the sale of his company with a raise and a job intact
•I successfully and responsibly navigated through strong beer month 2008 with a pregnant wife (now I have to do the same in 2009 with a child)
•another friend that does desktop support survived a very tough work year and also had a fantastic new addition to his family
•another friend found a great and challenging job after many months of searching
•a friend successfully moved from San Francisco to New York under false assumptions but has made the best of the situation
•a relative had a remarkably successful year in advertising school
•another relative started working at home and raising a kid at the same time
•yet another relative successfully weathered a very stressful year at her place of employment